Oliver, my last baby…

Oliver wants to be older. He thinks he is ready for big boy things long before he is actually ready…or at least before I think he is ready. It all started with his birth when he decided to come early. Ever since he has been determined to be a grown up. I love his determination but I wish he would slow down!

Today I put him down for his nap, a nap he didn’t think he needed. I started out by rocking him. He is quickly outgrowing that as well so I put him down and walked out. I am a rocker. The lull of my child’s movement and noise pulls me into the present. After a long day of chasing kids or even in the middle of the day I look forward to the slow down. So now what? I don’t know if I am ready to say goodbye to the rocking chair just yet.

Maybe it isn’t the rocking chair that I am not ready to say goodbye to. I am not ready to say goodbye to the baby in Oliver. The thought of him being the last baby is bothersome. I love kids. I just don’t think I can have another. I still have so much guilt over Luke and his Ocular Albinism. The relief I felt when I found out Oliver didn’t have OA has been the main reason I am scared to have another kid. I have already wrote about how amazing Luke is but knowing some of the difficulties he will face kind of stomps on my heart. What if we had another kid that had Ocular Albinism and it was worse than Luke’s?

Oh but then I think of being pregnant. I am one of those weirdos that genuinely loves being pregnant. To feel a baby grow inside me, watching my belly grow, feeling the baby move…let’s not forget hearing the baby’s heartbeat. Oh my, I love it all. I had c-sections with both and I never got to hold them right away. Instead I gave them a kiss on the cheek. To never be able to give that first kiss again makes me sad. The finality of it. Ugh.

I believe many women can relate to this mourning I am describing. We all have our different reasons. Some cannot financially support another, some due to illness, some cannot conceive, or whatever other reason we decide not to expand our family––it is just hard. To think this part of my life is over makes me want to cry. I know I will get over it and I know I am blessed to have two little guys, but it doesn’t make me feel any better right now.

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